____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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