Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
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Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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