We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Randomize
