actually, I'm a sock model
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
