A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
