Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
