I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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