i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
There's always time for handjobs
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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