Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Randomize
