YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
