standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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