I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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