I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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