RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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