just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
