Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
