The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize