he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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