Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
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