pedialite and red bull = repair kit
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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