Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
