If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
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