I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
