just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
