My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
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I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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