I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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