When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.