The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
19 People Did The Wildest Things When They Were Black-Out Drunk
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
21 Signs That A Dude is Probably Insane
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME