we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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