please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
