So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
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