I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
