I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
