I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
