You just made me feel so damn special
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
