I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Randomize
