why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
