When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
did i walk over a car last night?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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