The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
