just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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