I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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