just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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