The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
