The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Randomize
