Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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