The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
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