I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
