Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
