Everything about him screamed your future.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
