Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I need to align my fucking chakras
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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