My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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