Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
What changed your mind?
Being sober
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
