If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
love makes seman taste better
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
