i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
