What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
